Empowerment

On my road trip with MO this weekend, we were discussing the end to my stay in Bemidji and my homecoming to an empty apartment. I have never lived alone in an apartment, without roommate or family, so I am a bit frightened, ie. scared that I will fail miserably. Living at BSU all summer has given me taste of "alone" living but this is different. This is dorm life, were you leave your door open in order to meet the people that walk by, that doesn't happen in real life. If I did that in my neighborhood, there would be homeless people stopping in for lunch, not that I wouldn't like to feed them, but I don't have food for myself.

MO has lived alone for a year or so and loves it. She believes that living alone and being able to hang with one's self is empowering. Knowing that you are able to do this, being independant, and not having to depend on others for entertainment, comfort, money, etc... gives one a better sense of themselves. Is this why I feel so lost at times, I don't know how to hang out with myself? Is this a disservice that has been rendered upon me by too many years of financially strapped college? Or was this a product of my childhood, big family...small house...dependant on everyone to make all things work? Or that I took care of my brothers more than I thought about myself because that's what my family needed at the time?

Empowerment is defined as an investment of power or to equip or supply with power. How do I apply that to myself?

An investment of power...to equip or supply with power? I think only practice will make perfect; spend time alone...read, quilt, clean, sleep, study, write, dream, paint, hike, bike, relax, reflect, meditate, exercise, run.
As I compile this list, I realize that these are all solitary activities that I already partake. Maybe it takes someone to point out that you can do something in order for you, yourself, to believe as much.

So, why am I so scared, why do I think I will fail, what happens if I fail, who will I call, will anyone understand? I am scared because I never had to try this before...and I've never wanted to. I readily self-proclaim that I don't like doing things alone and hanging out with myself. This proclaimation had to be thrown out the window in May with no turning back, now I must figure this out for myself and my sanity. I can't fail at this, it's not possible, everyone can do this, they just might not be good at it.